Having no remorse means having no problem repeatedly attacking someone's soul.
The words "I love you" sound so good, you give a pass on neglectful behavior. Psychopaths take advantage of your forgiving nature, time and time again. Remorseless.
Having no remorse means having no problem repeatedly attacking someone's soul.
FROM THE DIARY OF TINA TAYLOR
DATED 01/05/08 at 4 AM
I love Harlan very much in spite of the fact that the last 4 years of this 15 year marriage have been hell. I have laid in bed pining away for him night after night because he wouldn't have sex with me, touch me, or even kiss me.
It must be like a Stockholm Syndrome in my brain because it doesn't matter what he does to me, I just fall deeper in love. Why am I so madly in love with a man that my friends say is killing me, and that I deserve better?
I thought of Stockholm Syndrome because I recall that I reacted similarly to my first husband, Mike. Right after we got married, I got sick of his abuse and left our little motel room off base. He followed me to the bus stop and attacked me in the middle of the street in San Diego. Shore Patrol was passing by and tried to hold us back from punching and kicking each other. (I was in the Navy and IN UNIFORM.) I was doing my best to defend myself and give back to him what he has giving me.
Shore Patrol took me on base and I went to my barracks. That night, I had a dream about Mike that was so intense that it made me wet the bed. I misinterpreted that intensity. The next day, I was more in love with him than ever. I should have been trying to get away from him!
He was abusive all through the 3 years of marriage, especially verbally. I finally broke free of my insane attachment to him because he punched me in the face when I was 3 months pregnant, and the blood gushed out of my nose like a hose. I bent over, looking at the big puddle of blood on the floor, and finally made the decision to escape for good. His reason for punching me was that I was packing my bags to leave. I had to do it secretly next time. Worrying about what harm might come to my child was the eye-opener - I guess I didn't care enough about myself.
(Editor's note: I discovered much later that my upbringing by a neglectful psychopathic father left me with a constant yearning for love. He also molded me to accept dysfunctional behavior as normal, and never taught me to have boundaries. I turned out to be a doormat and a psychopath magnet.)
I think I am having a similarly twisted relationship with Harlan because now he is having a baby with his mistress, Tara, and I feel such a need to be with him. I love him as much as ever. I probably should be working hard on getting away from someone who has hurt me emotionally repeatedly.
I have suffered so much rejection during the past 4 years. We used to be happy, and made each other laugh and feel good. But for 4 years, I have had to live without a sex life (age 39). Harlan would only have sex with me once a week, then it became every 2 weeks, then once a month, then every couple of months, then nothing. He never wanted to talk about it, and he said it wasn't that bad. Maybe for him, but for me it was heartbreaking. (Editor's note: After we separated, he admitted that he had been cheating the whole time we were married.)
He has rejected me in so many ways. Eventually, he treated me like a roommate, and we were having no fun at all. And he strings me along, giving me hope by saying sweet nothings, that we will work on our marriage because HE LOVES ME, even though his mistress is having a baby.
(Editor's note: While I was in pain, and anger, I reacted badly and publicly, making myself look like I was the unreasonable one ... while his calm, collected, detached, and yes, Happy-Go-Lucky demeanor maintained his facade of innocence.)
This is how I was murdered.
Photo courtesy of Claudia.
Hello Tina Taylor,
The facility with which psychopaths and narcissists lie, the facade they produce to fool people initially plus the cruelty they are capable of, all add up to a level of unpredictability that can be crazy making for their victims.
Let's look at these things in turn.
The victims of psychopaths and narcissists are subjected to a constant barrage of lies. Initially you believe what they say because, firstly, you don't know that there are people out there who lie the way these types do. And secondly, you don't expect that this person in front of you that you like/admire/love would actually lie to you, because you wouldn't do it to someone you like/admire/love.
But then you begin to notice that things are not as you believed. This person is not as responsible or reliable as you thought. But they do seem to have reasons and justifications for their behavior - so you end up tolerating it, although at times it can be infuriating. The second aspect is that psychopaths and narcissists will present an image of themselves as almost perfect when they meet new people. They know that first impressions count and once we form an opinion about someone it tends to stick. Or at least, it can be difficult to change.
When you met the manipulator first, you thought they were the ideal partner, or teacher, or mentor, or therapist or whatever, so you naturally trust them. But then they start doing things that are 'out of character'. But because it's out of character, you put up with it, or justify it (to yourself and others) or dismiss it. Then over time, things get worse, the good behavior at the start of the relationship gets less and less, and the bad behavior becomes more and more common.
When they are behaving badly, you wish for the good times to return. When the good times return, you are relieved. Things are back to 'normal'. But then the bad stuff happens again, for seemingly no good reason, and you can't understand it. There is no way to make sense of it.
You watch the manipulator act in public as if they are a fantastic person, and you know that behind closed doors they act like a tyrant with you. You want to be with the great person you met at the start, but this other person, who can be horrible and uncaring, keeps showing up. Sometimes the nice one is with you, sometimes the bad one. But you never know who is going to walk through the door. This is one of the reasons why people talk about 'walking on eggshells' around the psychopaths and narcissists.
And the cruelty and nastiness is not something you can understand either. How can someone be so cold and callous to others? This person can be caring and considerate one minute, and then do terrible things the next. Why would a person do these things to you? How can they do that and live with themselves?
And just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Psychopaths and narcissists can do things that are so unbelievably bad that you wouldn't dream up these things in a month of Sundays. And yet these types have an unending repertoire of things they are willing to do to you to upset you.
The only way to make sense of all this is to study psychopathy and narcissism, to understand the motivations and drives of these types, to realize that they do not have emotions the way you do, to comprehend that they think very differently than normal, feeling human beings.
This is not an easy task, and it takes some time for the ideas to sink in. For example, it's impossible for a feeling human being to know what it's like not to have emotions. They just can't turn off their own emotions. This makes it very difficult for people to come to terms with the fact that psychopaths do not have emotions in the same way as others.
Learning about psychopaths and narcissists is fundamental to being able to make sense of what was done to you without your knowledge.
Until the next time...
P.S. A quick reminder that you can get a whole lot more tips right now in my ebook, 54 Practical Tips For Dealing with Psychopaths and Narcissists
Photo courtesy Andy Cope on Twitter
Individuals with psychopathic or narcissistic traits* frequently use false personas to interact with others, sometimes tailoring their masks so that they appear to share the interests of their targets. Fortunately, there are conversational clues to such extreme duplicity:
1) Confides in you immediately.
The full-on disclosure is a bid for sympathy and for forced intimacy.
2) Repeats “confidential” information that he's already shared with you.
If self-serving or self-aggrandizing information is repeatedly recycled, the individual is likely using a script, one that he’s forgotten that he’s already deployed with you. Because people are interchangeable in the eyes of a psychopath or a narcissist—one dimensional beings in whom they have no genuine interest—it can be hard for them to remember what they’ve said, and to whom.
3) Asks no personal questions OR asks very pointed questions.
If nothing is asked of you and no interest expressed, then script delivery is the entire point of the encounter. If he asks a ton of questions but moves quickly from one to another, rather than allowing the conversation to organically unfold, he may be mining you for data, including information that can be used to gain a sense of your vulnerabilities.
4) Asks for special favors.
Your compliance with a request, however small, may be a test (boundary checking). You pass if you betray a willingness to be controlled or manipulated. Expect more and escalating requests, either out of pure Machiavellian utility or because such acts will further graft you to this individual.
5) Makes odd asides about you.
Cruel statements that are seemingly out of the blue can also signal the willful or absent-minded removal of the mask.
Neither a perfectly crafted mask nor the world's most charming repartee can fully camouflage a lack of emotional empathy, which is the defining hallmark of both psychopathy and narcissism. A person cannot wholly fake that which they do not experience, even if they say and do “all the right things.” So while your conscious mind focuses on an individual's statements and conversational style, your subconscious registers possible discrepancies between that person's outward comportment and his hidden feelings. Stay attuned to both avenues of information.
Excerpts from "5 Things Psychopaths and Narcissists Do in Conversation
Odd and disarming tactics to watch for." by Kaja Perina, Dec 07, 2017
Photo creative commons
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