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Less Obvious Ways to Blame

6/24/2014

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Constantly shifting the focus onto the survivor’s behaviors. This is the core maneuver of an abusive relationship.
Taking on the role of ‘victim.’. Results in life are mostly the consequences of one’s choices, with a little bit of other people’s actions thrown in. To be a victim is to ignore the one’s ability to make choices, and insist that other peoples’ choices are all that matter.
Talking about all the things done for the survivor, which at a minimum blames the other for being ungrateful and exploitative. It is like an attempt to obligate the other person to respond the way the primary aggressor wants, which is controlling.
Insisting that interpersonal conflict has a “right” and a “wrong” to it, and explaining in a pressured way how one is right. This is an attempt to make any difference or disagreement into an injury against the primary aggressor.
Feeling and acting entitled. If done well enough, the survivor’s not giving what is wanted starts to look like an injury to the primary aggressor.
Feigning compassion and understanding for the survivor, and then going on and on about how their outrageous behavior exceeds the primary aggresor’s otherwise huge capacity to forgive. This is still changing the focus to the survivor’s behavior and acting the victim.
Labeling the other person’s point of view ‘crazy,’ or irrational. This can be done to any disagreeing point of view, but often is used to discount another person’s feelings or perceptions. Men are more likely to label a woman’s feelings crazy.
Talking endlessly about reasons, but avoiding talking about actions. This is called justifying. Everyone has ‘good’ reasons for what they do, including violence. Actions, however, are how control is maintained in an abusive relationship.

Excerpt from "Narcissists Play the Blame Game" original post at the blog After Narcissistic Abuse
http://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/

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He's Not Your Soul Mate, He's Your Soul Mirror

6/3/2014

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Sociopaths/Psychopaths present us with a mirror

Soul Mirror Not Soulmate

Until our tenth anniversary, I was deliriously happy. It didn't take much for me to ignore/forgive the hurt feelings he caused in a seemingly absentminded fashion. He offered no good explanations, but I easily found myself making excuses for him, telling myself it was his hillbilly upbringing that made him seem inconsiderate at times.

After I stumbled upon one startling untruth, I started questioning his other statements. I went into shock as I learned that his pool of dishonesty was bottomless, and that I was all alone in my value of commitment. How on earth did a devoted, goodhearted, caring person like me get wound so tightly around this completely opposite being who doesn't care? Ten years of chicanery? No damn way!

Unbeknownst to me, our magical love was one-sided. My "sweetie" had succeeded in defrauding me with all the right lovey-dovey words, making me laugh, and telling cute stories (BS) about his childhood that made me feel like a special friend - but he secretly never had the ability to feel anything deeply.

I was merely one of many women (and men!) he treated thusly - being the wife did not make me special in his eyes. He turned out to be the master of half-truths and disinformation, and a serial cheater. I gave him my all, head over heels in love til death, and he tricked me into believing we were the same.

Soulmates! I was so convinced that I would stake my life on it. He was my fairy tale prince. Unable to truly invest in any relationship, he did the best he could to keep up appearances, given his psychopathy, since all he can ever be is self-serving. I am inconsolable.

It took 15 years for me to make the discovery, thanks to my insightful counselor, that I was married to an undercover Narcissist (NPD). It was 20 years, all told, to put together (on my own!) that I was, in actual fact, married to a sociopath.

After that revelation, I started paying close attention to the other people in my life who seemed the most drawn to me. Surprise! They are selfish, passive/aggressive, self-contradictory, and they are energy-draining. My forgiving nature did not allow me to see them clearly before. I studied these people, their behavior, their purpose (or lack thereof). What I learned most of all is that, not just my ignorance, but the cluelessness of the world at large, enables the antisocial personalities to commit atrocious spiritual damage to many numbers of people without real punishment.

Whenever a sociopath decides that the victim has provided enough amusement, they coldly drop their mask, revealing how little they have cared all along... and abandon the one-sided relationship regardless of vows exchanged or future plans or their unsuspecting partner's emotions or attachment. That's when the victim begins to see the pattern of gaslighting and emotional abuse they excused in the name of love. The discovery of misplaced faith in a dearly loved kindred soul is earth-shattering, heartbreaking, and overwhelming.

After learning of the depth of the betrayal, it is the shock, horror, and trauma of feeling helpless in the grip of evildoing that causes PTSD. Sociopathic people can completely destroy the ignorant, untaught, uninformed, unenlightened. People are murdered spiritually and emotionally when they wake up one day to discover that their soulmate turned into a toad, and will not ever be a prince again. (In this article, I use the male gender as an example, acknowledging that there are scores of female psychopaths.)

Destructive personality traits should be a topic presented in Kindergarten, not be an optional college psychology course. By contrast, sociopaths discover for themselves, early in childhood, how to mirror other people's emotions. They learn at a very young age, that to "fit in", they have to wear a mask, and that mirroring receives the greatest reward.

The rest of the world is at a disadvantage because of simple academic ignorance; We don't learn about their psychopathy in early childhood, yet they know everything about our empathy and how we are controlled by it. The world becomes their playpen of action figures to manipulate for their amusement. Their lack of conscience just makes it easy for them to follow the pattern of covertly using and abusing others for their entire lives.

Your socio-soulmate has been practicing, since toddlerhood, how to win people over. When there is something to gain, they present each person they need with a mirror. We unsuspecting targets are overcome with joy at finding someone who reflects our own heart back to us. They reflect our inner light since they have none. Some small part of our consciousness realizes that there is a one-way energy drain, but the hints are squelched by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Time and time again...

In a relationship with a sociopath, we become trapped in our dependence on seeing our reflection. We are really alone the whole time, but we only realize that when the mirror finally cracks.

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I Teach
how to detect a psychopath as easily as we see who is drug impaired. .

Share with others: "What is a Psychopath/Sociopath?"
Lesson

Can You Spot A Psychopath?Teach your kids the signs with the app

"What is a psychopath?" Public Awareness Fund:

ABOUT ME:

I was married to Harlan Taylor, who meets the psychopath criteria. Beware his illusion of nice guy. Now, I'm spreading awareness of neuroscience fMRI testing to identify psychopaths - those without a conscience. They are incapable of basic truth, and live by their own rules.

Trying to ascertain if someone is a psychopath should not depend on a list of behaviors.
(Contrary to hollywood's fascination with the violent ones, the majority of psychopaths do not exhibit physical violence.)

Too many people are silently being emotionally destroyed because they awaken to the narcissistic abuse, and then utilize the psychopath test *after* the damage is done.. To help stop further victimization, fill out the form to Name Your Abuser.

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Less Obvious Ways to Blame

He's Not Your Soul Mate, He's Your Soul Mirror

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