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He's Not Your Soul Mate, He's Your Soul Mirror

6/3/2014

11 Comments

 
Sociopaths/Psychopaths present us with a mirror
Soul Mirror Not Soulmate
Until our tenth anniversary, I was deliriously happy. It didn't take much for me to ignore/forgive the hurt feelings he caused in a seemingly absentminded fashion. He offered no good explanations, but I easily found myself making excuses for him, telling myself it was his hillbilly upbringing that made him seem inconsiderate at times.

After I stumbled upon one startling untruth, I started questioning his other statements. I went into shock as I learned that his pool of dishonesty was bottomless, and that I was all alone in my value of commitment. How on earth did a devoted, goodhearted, caring person like me get wound so tightly around this completely opposite being who doesn't care? Ten years of chicanery? No damn way!

Unbeknownst to me, our magical love was one-sided. My "sweetie" had succeeded in defrauding me with all the right lovey-dovey words, making me laugh, and telling cute stories (BS) about his childhood that made me feel like a special friend - but he secretly never had the ability to feel anything deeply.

I was merely one of many women (and men!) he treated thusly - being the wife did not make me special in his eyes. He turned out to be the master of half-truths and disinformation, and a serial cheater. I gave him my all, head over heels in love til death, and he tricked me into believing we were the same.

Soulmates! I was so convinced that I would stake my life on it. He was my fairy tale prince. Unable to truly invest in any relationship, he did the best he could to keep up appearances, given his psychopathy, since all he can ever be is self-serving. I am inconsolable.

It took 15 years for me to make the discovery, thanks to my insightful counselor, that I was married to an undercover Narcissist (NPD). It was 20 years, all told, to put together (on my own!) that I was, in actual fact, married to a sociopath.

After that revelation, I started paying close attention to the other people in my life who seemed the most drawn to me. Surprise! They are selfish, passive/aggressive, self-contradictory, and they are energy-draining. My forgiving nature did not allow me to see them clearly before. I studied these people, their behavior, their purpose (or lack thereof). What I learned most of all is that, not just my ignorance, but the cluelessness of the world at large, enables the antisocial personalities to commit atrocious spiritual damage to many numbers of people without real punishment.

Whenever a sociopath decides that the victim has provided enough amusement, they coldly drop their mask, revealing how little they have cared all along... and abandon the one-sided relationship regardless of vows exchanged or future plans or their unsuspecting partner's emotions or attachment. That's when the victim begins to see the pattern of gaslighting and emotional abuse they excused in the name of love. The discovery of misplaced faith in a dearly loved kindred soul is earth-shattering, heartbreaking, and overwhelming.

After learning of the depth of the betrayal, it is the shock, horror, and trauma of feeling helpless in the grip of evildoing that causes PTSD. Sociopathic people can completely destroy the ignorant, untaught, uninformed, unenlightened. People are murdered spiritually and emotionally when they wake up one day to discover that their soulmate turned into a toad, and will not ever be a prince again. (In this article, I use the male gender as an example, acknowledging that there are scores of female psychopaths.)

Destructive personality traits should be a topic presented in Kindergarten, not be an optional college psychology course. By contrast, sociopaths discover for themselves, early in childhood, how to mirror other people's emotions. They learn at a very young age, that to "fit in", they have to wear a mask, and that mirroring receives the greatest reward.

The rest of the world is at a disadvantage because of simple academic ignorance; We don't learn about their psychopathy in early childhood, yet they know everything about our empathy and how we are controlled by it. The world becomes their playpen of action figures to manipulate for their amusement. Their lack of conscience just makes it easy for them to follow the pattern of covertly using and abusing others for their entire lives.

Your socio-soulmate has been practicing, since toddlerhood, how to win people over. When there is something to gain, they present each person they need with a mirror. We unsuspecting targets are overcome with joy at finding someone who reflects our own heart back to us. They reflect our inner light since they have none. Some small part of our consciousness realizes that there is a one-way energy drain, but the hints are squelched by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Time and time again...

In a relationship with a sociopath, we become trapped in our dependence on seeing our reflection. We are really alone the whole time, but we only realize that when the mirror finally cracks.
11 Comments
Story link
6/6/2014 05:43:04

First, I'd like to say that I can't see why you don't have a million followers. You write beautifully and thoughtfully. (Of course, I also think I should have a million followers, too, but that's because I'm arrogant. I'm really trying to work on that though-lol) Now that I've said that, I'll get on with the important part....

I am, quite literally, sitting my busted up mini-van, in the parking lot of a Tractor Supply Co., balling my eyes out. I can't begin to say all the ways in which this article has touched my heart. I've spent my entire life wanting to believe that I have loved men, like the one you describe, unconditionally, and that I was being a true and good soul for doing so. Especially since I knew that each one of those men had pain and suffering inside of them. Each one of them NEEDED someone to love them the way I could. Each one of them needed someone to shine a light into their darkness and destroy it.

Since birth I have been the kind of person who could not stand the sight of another's suffering. I had to act. Do something to love away that pain. I thought that is what I was doing...by loving these men "unconditionally". I thought I was helping to heal something that was broken.

The end result of every one of these relationships was just as you described. But, being the kind of person who is more than willing to accept and take responsibility for my own character flaws, I have always believed I was the one to blame for that end result. I have always thought that, maybe it was because I am arrogant. Maybe this happened because my motives weren't truly pure. Maybe somewhere inside of me, I was simply trying to boost my own ego by being the "special woman"... The one with the awesome power to soothe a broken soul. And maybe, too, my beloved could see, or feel, that subconscious desire of mine and it made my love less-than. It made me unworthy of receiving that same unconditional love, in return.

Because I could think of no other reason why I was never on the receiving end of true love, because it happened every time, I just eventually started to believe that my theory of pride, must be true. You know how the saying goes...something like, "if you've got a problem with someone, they're probably the problem, but if you've for a problem with everyone, maybe you should consider that YOU might BE the problem". That's how I saw it.

But then I read this post... And how did you know? How did you know how much life-shattering pain my heart has endured? How did you KNOW how alone I have been, all along? How could you possibly know these things about me? About my greatest, and most intimate suffering? You couldn't know....unless the words you wrote here had some truth to them.

I read these words, and I see the movie play out in my mind. My life, through a whole new set of lenses. And my heart breaks all over again.

When it was my fault, at least there was something that could be fixed. The men I loved, still do love (going to have to start working on that too) could still be good men. Decent men. After all, I was the one with the fatal flaw.

But this- this means there truly never was any love at all. I must now swallow down an even more bitter pill. Not that I screwed up every relationship I had, but that I have never been loved at all. And that is a difficult truth to accept- to put it mildly.

At the same time though, I would so much rather have this truth, than live my entire life believing that I was the one who was incapable of loving. I think that would be much worse. At least i know now, without a doubt, that i am truly capable of love- even the unconditional kind- and there atill may be some time left to try loving someone again. I am still relatively young-ish. And, yes, at this point, it would pretty much take a miracle for someone to love me, or want to be in any sort of relationship with me (I've got a million kids and ex-husbands-lol)... But this post has given me hope that maybe next time, I will be smarter. I will be more aware of the tricks...

And luckily....I still believe in miracles.

Thank you. Thank you so much for this article, and for giving me my hope and peace of mind back....even if the reacquisition hurt a bit. LOL

Also, I just wanted you to know that you have changed someone's life for the better today. I could never put into words how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

Reply
Tina link
6/6/2014 13:15:10

Dear Story,
You are most welcome! I know from my own very painful experiences, that you will suffer deeply and long and there is no cure. You have loved others truly and unconditionally, and you were not appreciated. They did not deserve your devotion! Learning the signs of psychopathy will help you steer clear of the other toxic men, and women, who take advantage of good people.

I, too, have started paying attention to the red flags so late in life, it irks me that I would have made better choices had I been taught the dangers as a child. But, alas, I was raised by a psychopath, and he trained me to be a good doormat, and set me up to accept/love inappropriate men.

Better days are coming now that you know. Best of luck to you!

Thank you for your praise and for helping reassure me that I am going in the right direction.

Reply
Tina link
6/7/2014 00:55:53

Dear Story,
I meant to say earlier that you need not feel any shame about loving anyone. We have a special ability to give everlasting love to others even when it is unrequited so often.

(I can never stop loving my family even though they are psychopaths. It is much easier nowadays, being educated in their patterns, to ignore the hurtful things they say.)

A great Discussion Forum full of educated folks is at http://psychopath-research.com/

Reply
Inna
6/8/2014 15:44:31

Very nicely written...I am going to out myself and pretty much everyone I know. They can not help the fact that they can not feel as deeply as you. They get excited by each new catch, but don't know how to work on keeping said catch or get bored after a while. People are mental stimulation because that is all they have. Teaching them to love is like teaching a monkey to speak. They can feel deeply, but only if they are removed from all other stimulus. This helps them to focus their emotions. It's like ADHD of the heart and head combined.

I was married to one. I did not fall apart or get crushed...though it hurt considerable. He is still so charming it hurts and I find myself saying how sweet he seems. I always follow with, but snakes are charming to their prey.

My point is, hating someone for not knowing how to love, isn't really helpful. I use this measure of love. They care enough to show affection in one way or another. If they show neither hate nor affection, you mean nothing. If you expected something and got a load of lies, it's because they needed to keep you happy even if they couldn't actually keep you happy. They created a fairy tale for you to live in so you could be at ease while they maintained their typical behavior. Let you be you and them be them basically.

I know it hurts. I got divorced from my psychopathic husband but for different reasons. Him having several different women and men was dangerous to my body, because of std's. Him lying and stealing money meant I could not pay the bills on time. His careless attitude towards others meant his child felt like a useless distraction from his coke and hookers. I got over his lying and cheating emotionally. Finally, the deal breaker...he was free to be with anything, but I was supposed to stay home alone.

Reply
Yinka link
6/25/2014 10:15:58

Waoh...This is a master piece, creatively and deeply expressed without any pretense or exaggerated outpour. Well done and keep it moving.

Reply
Maria
9/6/2014 14:59:39

Hi Tina. I think my ex-husband was and is a psychopath. I don't think he tortured animals or hurt anyone physical though. He never hit me either and was slow to anger. However, he was a serial cheater throughout our 21 year marriage and never told me about his affairs. He left me 2 years ago for a women he was having an affair with for over a year. Anyway, he told me loved me so much and showered me with adoration and love and cards right up to the day he said he was leaving me. He has destroyed me and I don't think I will ever be the same. I suffer each and every day from this. I strongly feel only a psycho could do what he did to me. How can you lead a double life like that with no guilt unless there is something wrong with that person? He didn't act like the typical Narcissist when we divorced either. He gave me everything and we didn't even need a lawyer because we worked out our own agreement. With that said, I am confused because I always hear horror stories of men or women who make the divorce process a living hell. My ex didn't, but I still feel he is a psychopath though. Don't you think?

Reply
Tina link
9/6/2014 15:35:16

Maria,

I absolutely believe your ex is a psychopath. He has no conscience. His behavior is abominable. Psychopaths tend to have a hidden agenda at all times, so who knows why he went along quietly with the divorce... Could be he has hidden assets and he didn't want an investigation into his finances... Who knows, and at this point, just rejoice in your freedom- that has already come at great cost.

Here is a a new list for detecting a psychopath early by habits, without using the antisocial personality traits https://www.facebook.com/notes/psychopathy-genetics/how-to-spot-a-pro-social-psychopath/781795738538803

Also, to help explain his condition to others, show them TED-Ed Lesson "What is a psychopath?" http://ed.ted.com/on/VMwOaVwq‎

Go forward any way you can, paying attention to dysfunctional behaviors in seemingly nice people, and stay away from the ones who give you any doubt.

Best wishes,
Tina

Reply
Maria
9/7/2014 10:17:07

Do you feel there is a continuum scale for psychopaths? How many traits out of a list does it take for someone to be labeled as a psychopath? And do you think that someone like him can never be faithful to anyone, even the other woman? I'm so confused about all of this because my ex doesn't have all of the traits. For instance I have seen him be so hateful about black people and racist, but then when we are out in public he is kind to blacks to their face. One time an black elderly gentlemen with a cane was standing in a waiting room and he got up and gave him his seat. But behind closed doors he talks of hate towards blacks. So my way of thinking is that deep down he isn't really racist because of how he acts in public with black people. Also, in high school he used to make fun of a girl who was very overweight so he could get laughs (basically a bully), but he says he regrets his behavior back then. But, when we were together he used to make fun of me to get laughs. Not calling me fat or anything, but would be callous and some people couldn't understand why I put up with it.

Tina link
9/11/2014 09:03:35

Maria,
If you are not a two-faced person, then you are probably uncomfortable around people who don't have your values. Your ex-husband has more than 2 faces, and is not trustworthy. Do you want to spend any effort trying to figure out which of his faces is real? racist or not? faithful or not? good or bad? Stay away from people who are unbalanced, you don't need a continuum scale.

For more discussions with other people in your situation, try asking questions in the forum at PsychopathFree.com

Best wishes,
-Tina

Reply
Dara link
4/5/2016 02:55:52

Excellent article. Well said. I'm gonna have to dig around in there for some reminders/ concepts to keep. :)

Reply
Tina Taylor link
4/5/2016 12:01:56

Thank you, Dara.

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