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Told numerous times, "You just aren't that special honey."

5/29/2015

Two years ago I became the 3rd woman to fall for a man whose charm and love became addicting. My blinders were an inch or so thick I believe for the first year. I became suspicious after the push pull behavior continued for many many months. I decided to investigate further and came up with many psychological disorders that would explain most of his behavior but something was just really off when he became so loveable that it made me question his sincerity.

We as women often dream of the day that the man we fought so hard to win over for so long, finally expresses his undying love, need for commitment, and need for a monogamous relationship. The day this happened blew me completely away and I was happy until a few days later I questioned the reason for his falling in love after my efforts to give so much of myself, love, and loyalty failed time and time again. Chalking it up to his fear of commitment, I let it go and continued the desperate spiral to nothingness in his world, where friends were always placed before me, his needs were his utmost concern, and was told numerous times, "You just aren't that special honey."

How on Earth I allowed my self worth and value to crumble at his feet I will never know. After he assured his love for me was genuine I let the thought go until I my gut kept nagging at me that something just wasn't right. I mean loving someone isn't supposed to hurt, and it definitely isn't supposed to warrant so much space that it leads you to question your sanity.

My gut was right. While using our lap top for filling out job applications, the browser opened and he had closed it unexpectedly without covering his tracks. One click of the restore button and I knew then that he threw the word love around like it was nothing. Pornographic web sites amounting to 900+ searches for younger women and older men. Dating sites with active profiles, emails to women whom I knew nothing about, racy dirty messages to young (20+) women who he had never seen a day in his life, but made plans to have sex at our home that night while I was working. Numerous horoscope compatibility results for other women and himself, questions typed in the search engine related to being an Alpha Male, How to's on sex with younger women, and I swear the list goes on and on.

Another thing that struck me was that he would never take the blame for anything he knew he did that was wrong. Once confronted and with evidence in hand he blamed it on being a man that has desires, and that being tempted was ok and if acted on that's ok too. The kicker: Once he knew I had sabotaged his chance to have sex with this younger woman, he blew up and got so defensive that it scared the hell out of me. He stated that a man's desires not acted upon only causes him to back away from me. Simply put in a spaths world: I can't get what I want so I'm making you responsible for my losses even when you are already being played for a fool. His antidote for that, the silent treatment and lots of it.

Once his feigned desire waned, I decided to cut my losses and end it. He was adamant and eventually wanted the end to happen soon. His hoovering started once he knew I was serious and bam I fell for the lies again and decided to trust him and work towards a future. His silent treatment became more and more until I confronted him. He insisted that he didn't know what I was talking about and blamed my insecurities on our relationship failing.

I footed the bill most of the time, cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes when he had nothing and I had finally realized that I was rewarding bad behavior and the self worth and self esteem I once had was non existent. I mean his so called inability to relate to female emotions after I had a miscarriage sent me packing. He cited it as an inability to relate because of inexperience. The worst time of my life was met with unconcern, neglect, and what he can do next time to prevent a pregnancy. To hell with me and my body going through a tough time mentally and physically.

Another thing was that he disliked conflict. He hated it with a passion, and any attempt to interrupt his calm and peace was met with threats to call the cops if I didn't leave, the silent treatment, breaking up and anything else he could do to teach me a lesson. I can honestly say that he has only once raised his voice at me, out of not abiding by his rules and has never been physically abusive. The emotional abuse is heart wrenchingly painful, especially when you think your love is enough to help him. When a man thinks his infidelity is only defined by penetration and insists that emotional cheating, and seeking out others on the internet to fulfill his own needs is not a problem, and constantly neglects you emotionally, physically, and blames you for everything he does wrong, or takes your verbal expressions and what you do and uses them as a scapegoat then its time to read up on anything and everything regarding psychopathic behavior, gaslighting, and just how well you will be fooled and laughed at for only giving your love and trust away to someone who never deserved it to begin with.

It's a tiring and oh so confusing whirlwind relationship that will leave you mentally exhausted trying to figure them out. It's no use in trying because these people are already hardwired to destroy you no matter how good of a person you are. I am still trying to figure out if he honestly believes that cheating is justified as long as he says it's ok. It pays to trust your gut and investigate abnormal behavior. Life is so much sweeter spath free.

Excerpt from Psychopath Free Forum

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Who is BAD NEWS? - The Big RED FLAGS List

5/14/2015

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Too many women are misled by the romantic myth that men are "diamonds in the rough" and we are supposed to "help" them become better men, often by sacrificing our own needs. We are socialized to believe that if we help them, take care of them, give up our own needs for theirs, they will "take care" of us. BLEAH. Of course, men are just as vulnerable- they often marry women they barely know, feeling that they have to be "mature" and "grown up" and then end up miserable because they're stuck with someone they have nothing in common with. Or they play "rescuer" and take up with women who are little, fragile dolls who need to be 'taken care of' and they say things like "She needs me, she's so fragile. She's like a little wounded deer."

Barf.

The sad thing is, that the men/women who CAN change, do it on their own. OUTSIDE of a relationship. They take time off from relationships, and work on their relationship with themselves. The can demonstrate REAL work and real change, rather than platitudes. The men/women who go from relationship to relationship, (often leaving one partner for another) are NOT going to get past their issues.

Some people, however, are worse than others, and in the true spirit of HBI, we have created our "Red Flag List" - things to watch out for, and turn and walk (quickly) away from - no matter HOW deeply involved you are in the relationship.

As the mother of this Heartless Bitch once said,

"A man is who he is by his 16th birthday. Don't enter a relationship expecting him to change, because he won't, even if it is better for him and he knows it. And if he DOES seem to change, he'll only revert back the moment you let up, and he'll only resent you the whole time you are trying to get him to change. It's not worth it."

Through some personal experience and in talking to many other women, we have compiled a list of things to watch for. This list can apply equally to women as well as men. If the person you are with does any ONE thing on this list, put on your running shoes. If they do TWO or more things, lace those shoes up tight, and start RUNNING.

He does things to make you feel financially obligated to him, without your asking. For instance, you haven't known each other for a year and he pays off your car to surprise you. If you and this loser break up, you will definitely get a notice to appear in small claims court to repay this "loan".
"The Dangling Carrot". This person throws money around to hook you, and make you believe that he is a generous person. The moment you are "hooked"... all of a sudden he is concerned about expenses and you'll find yourself nickel-and-dimed at every turn.
When you get into an argument, he tells you to, "Read Machiavelli's 'The Prince' so you can learn to deal with assholes like me." Or says, "I think I'm a sociopath." Hint, hint.
He constantly says that ALL women are THIS. She constantly says that ALL men are THAT.
Sleeps constantly. In fact, they use it as a regular excuse to miss meals, events and even quit work.
She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls. You find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction. This person is good at yo yo-ing your emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users.
He admits to paying for and having sex with a prostitute. Quadruple red flag points if he admits he did it without a condom.
He hurts pets or talks about how he has played rough with them in the past.
He directly endangers your life by driving drunk.
Their main interest is watching TV.
He (or SHE) tries to take you on as some sort of "project" and attempt to "improve" you, as if you need to be "fixed" and he/she's doing you some sort of favor.
Instead of being honest with you about how she feels, you find out that she ridicules you behind your back, even when you have expressed a preference for honesty.
He decides that something about your behavior is bothering him, but never tells you directly, as a friend would, giving you the chance to have an open discussion. Instead, he drops subtle hints, or does it in a roundabout fashion, like sending a letter to a publication he knows you read, hoping you'll see it. When you don't pick up on the clues, he gets angry.
You visit at his home or apartment and it has hardly any furnishings or curtains. You find out he didn't just move in - it's been like this for months or years. When you go on a date together he asks your opinion on curtains and sofas. He wants YOU to be the one who chooses the colour, décor and all the knick knacks - and you have been dating for two weeks? Watch out! Men like this are searching for a mothering type to enslave. Run now!
When you say you need space, he gets mad, and says, "Well, I thought we had a relationship WITHOUT boundaries..."
She says things like "You make me feel bad about myself" when you try to assert healthy boundaries.
He dumped his ex in an incredibly mean way - in front of her friends, or at their wedding, for example. Then tells you about it in great detail, with pride in his voice, expecting you to be impressed.
She/He doesn't let you talk about any exes.
Complains about your clothes - that they are too loose, too tight, too revealing, etc. when they are really not.
You find keyloggers on your computer or find attempts to get into your emails
He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.
She vacillates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether she wants to be in a relationship or not.
He goes through personal stuff while you are still dating.. such as your bills laying around, notes, letters, stuff on your computer.
He wants to get you pregnant asap.
He calls his mother for every thing that comes up in his daily life.
She talks outside on the phone w/ family or friends.
He never really talks about any exes but does blame everything on them, they cheated, wanted $, etc.
He has ex wives that you find out about LATER.
They doesn't like to go to social places like bars, where there are a lot of people and possible attention on you from others.
He refers to ex-girlfriends or wives with terms like "Bitch", "Cunt" or "Whore".
He gives you gifts, and takes them back when you get into a fight ( those aren’t gifts they’re his bargaining chips)
He wants to adopt any children you have asap and wants them to call HIM daddy asap
She has tried to make you mad.
He mentions how you should feel "lucky" to be one of the chosen few on his "good" list. "There's not a lot of people in this world I let into my life."
The only thing he EVER says when you are in need of empathy/support is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or, in his true narcissistic fashion, he will mention how he has felt, or feels, the exact same way; hence; bringing the spotlight back over to him. AGAIN.
He plays with himself while you are lying naked next to him. What are you, chopped liver?
He mentions how he has a high IQ, and not many people "understand him."
The only time they say anything remotely appreciative is when drunk...which is 5 nights a week. He'll say things that make you believe he really DOES have that soft side you've been seeking since the day you met him. "You're so good for me" "I want to be loved" "You know I love you."
He is domineering and selfish in bed. Gives you orders. "Touch me" "Look at me" "Tell me how much you want me." Sex is NOT a sensual experience for him. He doesn't understand that you are a human, have feelings, need to be treated gently, etc. Sex is just another method of him proving his greatness. And if you don't get off, he'll be upset. Not because he genuinely cares about you; but because he didn't live up to his false sexual alter ego.
When you ask him why he's so quiet, he says, "I only say what needs to be said." He mentions the beauty of silence, and how so many people fill up the air with unnecessary vocalizations.
When you ask him why he doesn't open up about his emotions, he says, "I'm a machine. I'm programmed not to feel." When you tell him that's the most absurd thing you've ever heard, he will use his job (as a general manager, or any authority position) as an excuse.
He is a film critic, a history major, and poet. You are almost intimidated by his "artsy" side. He is intelligent, well-versed, and well educated. You think to youself, "How did I snag such a GREAT guy?" As time goes by, you notice that his film reviews (especially historical war films) are the ONLY areas he "comes alive."
When you call him out on his shit, he playfully says, "I'm clueless!" He will say this over and over again, as if it's "cute." When you are genuinly pissed off at him, he will bat his broken puppy dog eyes, and say, "I know you love me, though..."
Will mention how much he hates his father; yet talks to him every other day on the phone.
Takes no responsibility if the relationship isn't going "swimmingly." She blames YOU. YOU'RE not working with the situation. YOU'RE not accepting her the way she is. YOU'RE passive-aggressive, etc.
His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you know him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you feel like he's hiding something. He doesn't explain any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."
Makes extremely creepy, misogynistic comments. "I think it would be really funny, when you're introducing yourself to a woman, to extend your hand out, shake her hand, and say, 'I'm gonna rape you!' " You do not laugh, though he gets a kick out of this. When you corner him on this, he mentions how his uncles used to make rape-jokes... towards him.
Is super socially opinionated. At first you think he's well educated, and become intrigued some of the odd facts he knows. Later you realize all these facts add up to the whole, "fighting the good fight" mentality. He's always trying to seek justice, prove wrong, pinpoint facts, find the irony, uncover the conspiracy, etc. His brain is infatuated with this shit. It's all part of the "holier than thou" mindset, how he has everything "figured out" and you should feel proud to be with such a brave man.
He tells you he hates you with utter vehemency when he is angry.
If you ever once, just for one second, see a frightening, stare on his face that isn't the result of something as horrifying as being bitten by a venomous snake (you've merely suggested you both visit some friends of yours). No matter how fleeting it was or how deeply you think you care for him, either run for the hills or change the locks (depending on whose house it is). Ignore this one and it could cost you your life.
He demands sex on the first date, and when you refuse, he replies that he won't take no for an answer. And asks incessantly what he has to do to make you change your mind.
He wants to have sex when you are sick, with no regard for how you feel. These are the same kinds of people who will tell you that they require sex daily, with no regard for their partner's state of mind or arousal.
His favorite subject is how oppressed he is by the world, and how all these feminists and liberated women who always turn him down have damaged his self-esteem and made life so hard for him.
He has a litany of stories regarding "ex's" that have screwed him over.
Facts change within stories - he tells you one thing and twenty minutes later contradicts it.
Over 30 with no car, no phone (cell or otherwise) and/or a history of changing residences and/or jobs multiple times in the last year.
Tells you grandiose stories of past experiences that don't seem to fit together.
On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...
Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.
She always has an agenda. Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to her goals.
He says things like "I see in you the woman you can become", alongside his love declarations. This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop talents, but in fact it means: "I see flaws in you and I am going to do something about it."
He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. I am not saying being nice to them, I mean trying to establish his OWN close relationship with them. (In the beginning easily taken for 'nice': he wants to be a part of my life, but in fact a means to have better control -e.g. make you start doubting them later if he wants to alienate you from them, to make you more dependent on him, and to prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with him (friends don't want to get "caught in the middle"). Manipulators try to get close to YOUR friends in order to feed misinformation behind the scenes, so that they come off looking like martyrs when they pull the rug out.
They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.
Men who take a casual touch football or video game and turn it into a major competitive event complete with "psych-out" insults and verbal baiting. Later, when feelings are hurt, he will say that the object of this fierce competitiveness was "hypersensitive" or just a sore loser crybaby.
You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours, for example to not lend him your car, and he acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that YOU ARE VERY SELFISH! 99.9% of the time, when a person tells you YOU are selfish, it is because you are refusing to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of theirs. They will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person - such things as going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without him, etc. "You are selfish" means you are catering to his whims.
He/she tries to enlist your help in getting revenge on or publicly embarrassing someone.
He/she enlists your friends and family to get you back after a fight or break up.
The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved by having sex.
He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.
He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. If he apologizes, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
He says things like, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone...", trying to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, so you'll stay around when he is clearly behaving like an ass.
He sits in the car, honking the horn, or starts to drive away, while you are still in the house/apartment, trying to get ready to go out. He knows you aren't ready yet, but he goes out to the car anyway. He gets angry and frustrated if you aren't ready the instant HE is. Your life is expected to run on HIS schedule. No exceptions.
On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks - or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together... with someone else.
Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members.
He just leaves a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else).
He drops subtle or not-so-subtle hints about how "perfect" he thinks he is, or what a great catch others have said he is, and how "lucky" you are to have him. Unfortunately, with this guy, nobody will ever be able to live up to his impossible standards.
He tells you how his previous girlfriend says the two of you won't last (attempting to hook you into trying to prove her wrong).
He sulks or acts like a sullen jerk if you ask him to attend a function with you that he'd rather not. Or, if you don't want to leave early, when HE does. He is incapable of being mature about it.
He goes to a movie, play, or concert that you expressed an interest in seeing... with someone else - deliberately timing it so that you were unavailable to attend. She buys something for herself that you said you always wanted.
He makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you.
He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he does admit that he fucked things up, he is quick to point out that if she had been the right person for him, she wouldn't have caused him to fuck it up.
Although they will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand they hold exes up as impossible standards for you to live up to.
He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is working on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he does act out again.
She never apologizes, (or she apologizes in an oily way that implies insincerity), or blames YOU as the cause of the bad behavior - that you "triggered" her or "pushed her buttons".
He/She has no friends of the opposite sex.
He/She has no friends period.
He has people he calls "friends" but he *never* calls them, goes out with them, or does anything with them.
His friends are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract Unhealthy friends.)
He/She abandons his/her current "friends" at the start of your relationship, and he/she is completely focused on YOU.
He has no spine- lets you do whatever you want, never says NO. Says things like, "Whatever you do." or "It's up to you."
He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on their parents.
He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.
He/She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but him/her. Won't let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them.
He does something seriously hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a cold comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending - implying that you are overreacting (to his shittiness).
He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".
He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized and made reparation. Brings out his list of grievances in an effort to direct the conversation away from HIS present bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still reacting from it...").
He has a completely different recollection of events than you have, and insists that you are the one that has the faulty memory. Self doubt creeps in. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.

He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is your fault, but his own room or office is a STY. Complains about everything, really.

If she/he has NO relationship with his long-term significant other, especially when they have kids together, then watch out.

He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.

(According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."

He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted to this "man".)

They have any history of childhood abuse ESPECIALLY sexual abuse, and they haven't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on age). It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative people who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.

He/She is on the rebound - less than 1 year after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.

He's seeing someone else and he "falls" for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU.

He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities with each passing day - he's setting you up. He's "mirroring" you to be more attractive. It's another abuser/controller pattern.

He/She wants to get married before you have known each yet a year, and haven't lived together. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.

She/He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior degrades into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH them. Don't wait around hoping the the sweetie you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.

He/She takes pride in how he/she "screwed over" the ex financially in the divorce.

He renegs on or "forgets" any financial agreement the two of you had - such as to share the rent or vacation cost.

He insists that you remain financially independent and then complains when you can't afford the same level of entertainment and travel that he can.

He seems "too good to be true".

He is constantly "down" and has a variety of daily excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day...

He suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why he is irritable, inconsiderate and even nasty.

He continually rejects your ideas (for things to do, places to go...)

He "forgets" critical things that he has KNOWN for years, like the fact that you are allergic to feathers (and buys a feather comforter, or a feather pillow).

When you openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".

He tells snide joking insults about you in front of others. If you complain, he says it was all in fun and you are just being too sensitive.

You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute with him. He needlessly complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are unnatural.

He used to be completely awed by anything you had to say, but suddenly starts showing disinterest, to the point of rudeness. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING he is interested in.

You have to keep proving yourself worthy of her attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behavior, or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something she did.

He tells you many of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and timidly opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special. They do it with everyone. So, EVERYONE thinks they are special to him. It also helps to cover their tracks, convincing you of their version before anyone else can get to you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat in the future - "well I TOLD you I was once an asshole, and that I was TRYING to change..."

He/she monotonously wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and starts insisting that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.

He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different persona, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who is around. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they are only trying to make people comfortable - what's your problem with their comfort?!

He uses money to win influence and get attention, not because he is genuinely altruistic or generous by nature. He drops hundreds or thousands of dollars on "donations" to charitable organizations (so he can get VIP status at their functions), but won't loan you his $5 beat-up old backpack.

She doesn't eat.

He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!

He/She is an ex-con. Just don't.

Over 30 and still living at home.

His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.

On the first few dates, already talks seriously about marriage or kids.

After only one or two dates, gets overly possessive. Calls constantly, sends gifts, shows up at work.

His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.

He stockpiles weapons.

He/She has kids and never sees them.

He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.

He/She still calls her mother immediately every time she has to make a major life decision.

He/She says, early on, things like "you're everything to me. I can't live without you."

Everyone hates him- your friends, your parents, even your dog.

He/She is under 23 and has already been married and divorced and has kids.

He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.

He shows signs of penny pinching. For example, a guy who only goes to the theatre because he has a discount card, and then won't even buy a popcorn - but eats out of your container all night *and* shares your soda. Then won't even go out for a beer after, even if it's a weekend. His clothes are ten years old or more.

He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment. Or ever.
He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!"
He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to waitstaff and gets a kick out of their discomfort.
He refuses to wear a condom and supports his argument against condoms by saying, "I never wear them."
He tells you not to get "illusions of grandeur" in regard to marrying him.
Sports programs preempt visits with his children on a regular basis.
He downplays all the RULES people follow when dating. He complains that women wickedly make men jump through hoops. He focuses on these "issues" for most of his conversations over the first few dates. His way of getting around the rules is to repeat, "Ours isn't a conventional relationship. WE're not like those other people out there." (Testing your boundaries).
During sex, he/she suggests some creepy sexual act, (making it impossible for you to ever enjoy sex again without dread).
They start sudden heated arguments about trivial things (i.e. your tone when saying baby, failure to catch a blown kiss) arise out of nowhere, and just as easily they move on. Your nerves remain frazzled.
He says "my mother doesn't even like me." Run.
She/He begins sentences with "I'm telling you the truth here." (A neon sign that says a lie is coming.)
He laughs gleefully when you get in a fight with your mom/dad/sister/brother/friend.
He says he is still a virgin at 39 because women scare him, and he wanted to wait for the right woman who would understand his sensitive heart.
He/She is on a labor intensive, esoteric diet that has to be rigidly catered to. People like this can limit your social horizons and isolate you, very quickly.
The person has a medical condition, such as diabetes, and refuses to take adult responsiblity for sticking with diet, medication and exercise.
The person has an active addiction or a medical psychiatric condition such as bipolar disorder and follows a treatment plan just long enough to get you to marry them. Then, casually resumes the addiction, or goes off the psych medications. If you are dating someone who discloses a history of addiction or a major psych medical disorder, adherence to treatment and medication should be required. Anything else is a deal breaker.
The person is highly responsible, but only because he/she was from a dysfunctional family and was groomed to be Family Rescuer/Strong Person. Unless the person has years of therapy to break the cycle, you run the risk of your own marriage turning into a non-stop board and care facility/bail bond agency, bank etc. You will constantly have their family member in crisis, needing to sleep on your couch, get a loan, etc.
She/He seems quiet, gentle, even courteous most of the time, but blasts off like a raging maniac while watching sports on TV, or ranting about social injustice. A secretly angry person who hides the fury behind a public false self.
Being partnered with a Jekyll/Hyde type who is a saint in public and a schmuck in private is a nightmare because no one wants to believe that such an altruist could possibly be abusive in private.

There is a small but important subsection of assholes who work in good causes, or the ministry, precisely to conceal their dark sides. They may need to marry in order to be employable as ministers. So be very careful if dating people like this.
She/He comes from a much wealthier family that is readily accepting of you. Most rich families prefer for their sons and daughters to marry equivalently rich partners--the instinct is to keep the family money intact and add to it, whenever possible. If the family seems too eager, make sure that their reasons for embracing you aren't any of the following:
- the son is getting old enough that his single status is arousing comment.
- no one from a rich family has been willing to take him/her on.
- in event of a divorce, you would be unable to afford a lawyer equivalent to what the in-laws can afford.
You read this list, and these flags apply to your significant other, but you think "Well, he/she does this, but it's different because [excuses]".

Excerpt/Adaptation from Heartless Bitches International

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I was married to Harlan Taylor, who meets the psychopath criteria. Beware his illusion of nice guy. Now, I'm spreading awareness of neuroscience fMRI testing to identify psychopaths - those without a conscience. They are incapable of basic truth, and live by their own rules.

Trying to ascertain if someone is a psychopath should not depend on a list of behaviors.
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