Community Recruitment Announcement

​Who we are recruiting
The “Emotion, resilience, and post-traumatic growth in domestic abuse survivors” study investigates the outcome of being in an abusive romantic relationship.

We are looking for participants (aged over 18) who identify as being in a prior heterosexual abusive romantic relationship.

Abusive experiences may include verbal/ emotional abuse (i.e., bullying, manipulation), coercion (i.e., intimidation, threats, control of finances, isolation), lying and deceit (i.e., infidelities), and sexual assault. Particularly we are looking for people who identify as being abused by a romantic a partner who displays psychopathic or narcissistic characteristics. These may include:

• Pathological lying (i.e., use of aliases)
• Engaging in infidelities
• Failure to take responsibility for their actions
• Lacks empathy, guilt, and ability to feel deep emotions
• Manipulative and exploitative of others

• Sense of entitlement, grandiose sense of self-worth, or feelings of superiority
• Involvement in criminal activities
• Impulsive and irresponsible
• Engages in risk taking behaviours (e.g., drug use)
• Being superficially charming

What your participation will involve
If you are interested in participating in the study please follow the link www.cuaftermath.com, which is a secure website where you will be asked to make an account with a username and password (no personal or identifying information will be asked, such as your name or address). The study will take approximately 1.5 hours to complete. The website is not compatible with mobile devices or Ipads, please use a computer or laptop device.
On the secure website, you will be asked to complete a few questionnaires, a card game where you will select decks to gain as many points as possible, and a task where you will be presented a series of images of male faces and asked what emotion they are expressing.
The questionnaires will include questions on your experiences of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress, experiences of positive growth, and perceptions of interactions with other people (i.e., social support). There will also be questions addressing experiences in the abusive relationship (e.g., onset, type, severity, and length of abuse), and traits of the abuser, such as:
Does he or she think it is fun to push people until they get upset?
Has been convicted of a serious crime?
Does he or she think they can get what they want by telling people what they want to hear?


Please do not participate if…

1. You identify as CURRENTLY in an abusive relationship. For your safety, we recommend that individuals currently in a relationship not participate in the current study. We worry for participants’ safety if they complete this study while in close physical proximity to their abuser.
2. We ask if you are currently undergoing or have undergone treatment for a gambling problem that you do not participate because the card game is similar to a gambling game.

Some of the questionnaires may address stressful topics. If you wish to withdraw at any time (even skipping a few questions on the questionnaires), you may do so as the study is entirely voluntary and anonymous. There will be no penalization if you decide to withdraw, no matter at what point in the study. You do not have to complete all of the study at one time; you can stop and complete the study at your convenience. There is the possibility that participation in the study may trigger or exacerbate distress.


Incentive
Participation in the current study is strictly voluntary (there will be no incentive or cash given for participation).

This study has been approved by the Carleton University Research Ethics Board-A (CUREB-A) (103670).

When a man shows up being a little too charming, nice, or helpful, most women are not conditioned to say,

“Thanks but did you not hear me say fuckoff the first time?!”

Instead, you enter into a potentially deadly dance between the politeness you’ve been conditioned to offer, instead of paying attention to the warning bells you’re receiving.

You know the feeling…

that your heart is in your mouth,

feeling like it’s hard to breathe and holding your breath,

or noticing the hair on the back of your neck is standing up.

It’s vitally important to know how to avoid violent attacks by learning about the early warning signs and clues-  from deadly men and women.

– before it’s too late…

So here are your 7 potentially life saving clues that will help you know how to avoid dark personalities.

One of the fastest ways to lure a victim is for them to get us to trust blindly, if only for 30 seconds. Forced Teaming is a way of establishing trust prematurely, because it quickly ensconces a feeling of "we’re in this predicament together".

For example:
Two people miss the last train or bus for the evening. Both of you are now facing your own predicament on how to get home.

The stranger asks “How are we going to get home?”  The emphasis here is on the use of the word ‘we’.

Most women are too polite to say “Um, what do you mean ‘we’, I don’t give a damn how you’re getting home”. Predators understand, and use against us, the social norms that keep us from being rude.

Far from being a coincidence, forced teaming is one of the most covert forms of manipulation. The predator prematurely forces trust when moments ago none existed.  It’s an extremely subtle violation of your personal space, and the predator uses this technique to test how easy it will be to gain control of the potential victim.

“The detectable signal of Forced Teaming is, the projection of a shared purpose or experience where none exists” – GDB

Charm is a learned trait /skill, and people would be served well to look beyond the charm and kindness, to determine if there’s an ulterior motive.

If total strangers appear intensely charming, ask yourself,  “Why are they so hell bent on trying to charm me?”

Because, just like establishing trust prematurely, charm is no accident.

Remind yourself that charm can be a form of control because people don’t think “charming" and "bad guy” in the same moment.  It’s easier to let down our defense, and turn off our intuition, when we think someone is charming.  Which is exactly why they use it, the intention is to disarm you.

Always heed the feeling that “they seem nice enough but they’re trying too hard”.

Have you ever met someone, maybe made eye contact or shared a quick smile, then it seemed like you suddenly couldn’t get rid of them? Although you’re itching to get away, you feel trapped. And since you don’t want to be rude, you feel stuck listening to the ‘story’ they’re telling you.

In some cases, that person (for whatever reason) may just have needed to find some way to connect on a human level.

However, someone volunteering too many details can be distracting you from what your intuition otherwise might have picked up on.  So, pay attention to what your gut is telling you.

When people are telling the truth, they don’t feel the need to back up what they are saying with additional details.

Even though you might actually be buying into their story, liars aren’t convinced, themselves, that they sound credible. Hence they add additional details to support their lie.
​
For example:
A stranger who magically appears, and happens to be heading to the same floor of the building that you are, strikes up a conversation.

Although something feels off to you, she appears to be “nice” enough as she tells you how bad she feels that she is hours late, having promised to feed her sisters dog.

While polite exchanges between people are common, a stranger volunteering too many details about why they are heading to the same floor should be a warning bell.

This is a highly sophisticated way of manipulating someone - tricking a person into an action to prove they are not what the manipulator has surmised.

Basically, no one really cares to be “labeled”, as it’s a bit of an insult.  So with Typecasting, the manipulator purposely says you are one way, so that you feel compelled to prove otherwise.

For example:
“You don’t seem like the type of person who’s afraid of trying new things.”
The prey, wanting to rid herself of the label, then sets out to show the predator that she is not afraid of trying new things.

Or, a scammer might sway you with, “You don’t come across as someone who is boring, do you ever do anything spontaneous?”

In both examples the slight insult is designed to compel you to engage.

Sadly, even when people feel creeped out by such highly manipulative questions, we are conditioned to answer politely. And in doing so, we send off a signal that we are susceptible to being controlled.

This is a strategy that is used to play on our sense of obligation.
If the sleaze can create a situation where we feel like we owe him something, we are less likely to tell him to take a hike.

Great examples of this are forcing help on you when you didn’t ask for any help. The emphasis here is on forcing help!

An extremely important point, that differentiates dangerous people from those who are genuinely offering help, is respecting boundaries.

As you will read in clue number #7 ‘NO’ is a complete sentence. If a stranger attempts to ‘negotiate’ your refusal for unsolicited help – get the heck away asap!

Whether he noticed you are struggling to reach the 2nd floor with your shopping bags, or she sees you juggling the stroller out of your trunk, pay attention to their insistence on helping you.

If the first attempt to manipulate the prey doesn’t work, it is often followed up with Typecasting.

For example:
“Come on, I’m just a nice guy trying to help a pretty lady – are you going to fault me for that?”
Your response - "Go away!"

This signal should alert you immediately!

It means that someone is trying to convince you of something.  Honestly, how many people do you know who’ve actually gone out of their way to not promise anyone anything?  It’s a big and personal commitment to make a solemn promise.

But… They need to convince you because they sense your doubt.
So if someone says, “I just wanted to be able to help you”, followed by “I promise”,  the purpose is similar to offering too many details.  It’s yet another attempt to get you to trust.

The emphasis here is on:
There was no legitimate reason for the person to promise you anything.

A stranger's promises are easy to fall for because we normals see them as hard-won signs of trustworthiness. Beware of strangers with promises.

We’ve all heard the saying “no means no.”

Rape and violence are about power and control, so if a complete stranger is trying to control you by negotiating your "no", let this be an alarm bell. Many women don’t understand how important a refusal to hear the word “no” is, as an indicator of someone whose intentions are to harm you.

After interviewing Gavin De Becker, best selling author of The Gift Of Fear, Oprah summarized her understanding perfectly:  “When you say no and the other person discounts it, you should think, immediately, why is this person trying to control me? Because NO is a complete sentence.”

SEE ALSO: The Gift Of Fear – By Gavin De Becker

One of the most dangerous things a we can do is say no, and then weaken our stance by relinquishing it. A "helper" with sinister intent is looking for any foot in the door they can get.  So by saying “No thanks, I don’t need any help” and then caving in a few moments later, you send a signal that you can be controlled.

Predators are persistent. The word ‘no’ is not negotiable.

As the author of The Gift of Fear (Gavin De Becker), pointed out – “context is everything.”

While many of these tactics are often used without harmful intent, your situation and surroundings are what brings them into context.  If you’re alone and isolated and approached by a stranger, you are vulnerable.

If he is overly friendly, remind yourself that his charm and niceness likely has a motive. That motive could be as simple as a lame attempt to chat you up for a date, or it could be much more dangerous.

If something feels off, it probably is.  Hesitation and doubt are gifts from your intuition.  Listen to them!

And please share this post to help others to better understand the warning signs. You could help save someone’s life.
​

​As a parent of two teenage adopted sociopaths and one neurotypical toddler, I will officially say...I really really wish people would quit saying "All kids are psychopaths/ sociopaths."  Uh, no.  No, they aren't.  That is the difference between reading the symptoms and living with it in real life.  No parent who has experienced both would ever say such a ridiculous, reductive thing.

Ever heard of CIPA (congenital insensitivity to pain)?  As far as I can tell, sociopathy/psychopathy is the emotional version of this disorder, with huge social impacts.  It sounds like a cool thing to have...no pain, ever?  Awesome!  Until you stop and really think about it.  You learn from pain...huh, that hurt, you won't do that again.  You don't overextend the limits of your body, pain makes you correct your course.  Ow, you take your hand off the hot stove, you don't fry your hand right off.  You feel when there is something terribly wrong, ugh, you're nauseous and have a fever, and you do something about it.  These people tend to have shortened life spans of a result of CIPA, and can die from something as simple as overheating, because they never know to get out of the heat. 

Now imagine a lack of emotional pain/feeling and how difficult that would make it for you to navigate human relationships.  If you have never experienced certain emotions, how can you have empathy/know how someone else is feeling?  I would have to think the world would look like an irrational, confusing place.  I believe we have emotional pain to correct ourselves, have empathy, and understand each other, which is rather important with billions of us really needing to get along and not have the world turn into Thunderdome.

Sociopathic children do not have normal boundaries, whether because they aren't picking up on social cues or refuse to pick them up because they don't care. ~ If they are enjoying you, they should just move in with you, because why should that end while they are enjoying themselves? They don't experience shame by being mocked by peers, so behaviors like wetting themselves goes uncorrected. They instead discover that it is a nifty way to really piss people that they don't like off.

A neurotypical child will generally feel and display genuine affection.  A sociopathic child will find you acceptable and display certain behaviors that keep you happy, which is of general benefit to them and more pleasant for them to be around.  Even with your head buried firmly in the sand, it becomes difficult not to feel manipulated, that there is a calculus to their interactions with you.  An honest family that is asked if the child loves them will say "I don't know."

• As for the initial question, there was a real potential for violence, particularly in my son.  He had violent fantasies, and as he grew physically he began to act more on his impulses.  He tried to choke one family member during an argument, beat a smaller child on the bus, and held his sister against a wall and showed her how he wanted to carve her arms up with a kitchen knife.  I was never on the receiving end, but that had more to do with me than him.  I am relatively tall, reasonably strong, have a strong personality and had never been particularly susceptible even to emotional and mental manipulation (so to children I would have always seem somewhat larger than life).  He and I both knew he was never going to be able to get fear or rage from me, and I would have no problem getting his ass hauled off by the cops, so in no way would he get what he wanted out of violence toward me.  From day to day living, I had enough instinct to know that if I displayed weakness in any capacity it would be exploited, so I couldn't, which was tiring, tense and unnatural to me.  A limping gazelle wouldn't have survived in my house.
• They lie.  No, not in a "no, Mommy, I didn't break that vase" kind of way that is normal.  In a chameleon kind of way.  Daughter wails to one person how awful and despicable physical violence is, two hours after bragging to someone else about going to school and kicking someone's ass, wanted to hurt them. "Impressing" people with a nonexistent history of disgusting sexual acts, pregnancies that never happened, children that don't exist.  He loves cheeseburgers, tomorrow he hates them with another person.  You begin to wonder if there is a real solid person in there, or is there just a bunch of constantly shifting tides.
• They do not "learn from their mistakes."  They will do the same destructive or disruptive things year after year, because for some reason they get their rocks off doing them.
• There is no amount of parental creativity or Dr Phil "finding their currency"  that is going to move the needle in behavior.
• They will do what they want when they want, because they one-track-mind want it, and everything else is usually irrelevant.  Negative or positive reinforcement will rarely influence anything, especially not over time.
• Attempts to teach a sociopathic child concern for others is a losing proposition.  You will do it anyway, because you want to at least have those ideas out there and available, and to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you tried.  But any attempt to explain to the child why it is wrong to steal free lunches provided for poor children at the YMCA or steal donated supplies from the guidance counselor's office will be met with a blank look.  Who cares if someone else will starve?  They wanted it, and they were proud of themselves for getting away with it.
• I usually felt like a shoulder angel (walking, talking external conscience).  They knew right from wrong, but only behaved with manners/not stealing/not hitting, etc.  if I was there.  I was left feeling that I had to be hyper-vigilant and present all the time, or something bad would happen.  This was utterly exhausting.
• Parental blame:  people will look at your children, who they know are "not right," then at you, and decide you did it to them.  Most people generally believe that children are cute, blank little slates and are a product of their environment.  I used to believe that too, until it was sociopath-ed out of me.  Their behavior is generally the opposite of everything I have desperately tried to instill in them.  I ended up feeling judged and humiliated and isolated by society, and the kids couldn't care less.
• It can destroy relationships between you and other family members/friends.  Attempts to tell others what was going on (hey, at times I would have liked some support or empathy) was interpreted as a mother badmouthing her kids, that I blew things out of proportion, that I was too controlling, I ended up sounding like the crazy one.  I was told that I didn't love my children.   Doesn't lead to warm fuzzies all the way around.

Eventually it will all catch up with you.  They will become old enough or sophisticated enough that you can't keep them out of trouble anymore.  And you are left wondering why you tried for so hard for so long, when this is who they are, and always were.

Adapted for comprehension and American English from "The Eternal Seductress narcissist?" by @anandbliss ajmersingh mann April 2014

Photo courtesy flickr sabinemondestin